This is who I really am
Today was a perfectly beautiful Memorial Day here in southern California. Cloudless blue sky and around 76 degrees. I went down to the barn where my horse Felix is stabled. I took him out of his stall and let him out into the big arena. It was too wonderful - no one (humans) around to bother us and ask for the arena after 10 minutes. I pulled a plastic chair out into the arena as well and sat in the shade under some trees. He rolled twice and then visited with the horses looking at him out of their stall windows. I read for a while and then did something I haven't done in a million years, well since before grad school at least, I took a pencil and sketched a picture of Felix. I looked at how the light and shade traced his muscles, body, neck, legs. It has been too, too long since I actually looked at anything and "saw" it. I mean I look at science data all the time - but this is different. To see the world - instead of glancing at it as you move by.I sat out there looking at Felix for about two hours. He would walk to a stall window and stand with a horse for a long time. Then move to the next window and stand. I realized this was his one taste of "the herd". He eventually turned and walked straight at
I let him loose in the arena and pulled another chair into it and sat in some shade. He eventually came up behind me and started sniffing my straw hat then he pushed it down in front on my eyes. My friend Riki riding by outside the arena yelled "see if you can read now?" I straightened out my hat and continued to read and sure enough he did it again. I stood up and straightened out my hat and walked forward thinking he would follow me. Instead he picked up the arm of the chair turned it over and throw my book on the ground. I said "ok I get it!" So I walked back - put my book in my bag - and put the bag and chair outside the arena.
I should tell you I grew up in Queens, NY in a two room apartment. Horses were never a part of my world. They are still a mystery to me in so many ways. But, Felix has been very patient with me. To be honest I was fearful of him when he first came into my life. He could have been a dragon. He is taller than me and weighs in at 1200 lbs. A dragon.
I knew from dogs. I didn't know from horses. Horses ARE NOT dogs I have learned. They are horses - they are themselves. But, in the course of a year I have come to love him so much. Just love him.
I put his halter back on him and clicked his lead rope back on to it and decided to walk around the arena with him to work on walking, backing up and stopping. We walked around about 7 times when all of a sudden he started, looked behind him and reared up. He turned and ran at the gate that separated the two arenas. I had let the lead rope go. I know trainers would say this was a bad thing - but we were in the arena I knew he wasn't going anywhere. Outside I would fight tooth and nail to hold him - but here I didn't have to. He was his now standing at full height - head and neck stretched up - and his tail high. Every muscle was standing and he was running up and down the gate. I had never seen this before. It turned out a woman had let a HUGE male Belgian draft horse (2000lbs) into the adjoining arena and it was running - its hooves were pounding and pounding the ground. The Belgian got to the gate and he and Felix were both going into full display. Prancing up and down the gate at their full heights. It was something to see. The woman with the Belgian yelled to me that Felix was one of the most beautiful horses she ever saw. Another woman riding by the arena called to me and told me what an "incredibly beautiful horse he was". A young girl rode by and asked me "is he was a wild horse?" I replying "yes, at this moment".
A year ago I would have run out of the arena. Now I just stood there and watched him. At a point he turned his head and looked straight at me - and these words voiced in my head "this is who I really am". It amazed me because they came out of nowhere. I walked up to him - picked up the lead and unhooked it from his halter. He turned and run as fast as he could. I started to swing the rope to keep him going. I knew he had a ton of energy to get out and moving him would do it. He was beautiful. Every muscle in motion and stretched out. Just beautiful.
I had been wondering just yesterday where his place would be in a herd. Today I got my answer. He would be the stallion - the protector of the herd. He had heard the Belgian hooves and charged towards them.
Our trainer Tiffany came up with two young girls on horses she was giving a lesson to. She said "are you all right!" I said "sure - he just has some energy." She needed the arena but asked "are you okay walking him back to the stall?" I said "we would be fine". I hooked Felix's lead rope back onto the halter and we walked back to the barn. As we were went along he calmly walked behind me on my right side. Head down and quietly walking. I stopped - he stopped - I walked - he walked - I told him to back up - he backed up. He was choosing to let me lead. I thought what an honor. He chose me as leader. I put him back in his stall. Gave him a treat. We stood and looked at each other.
I will never see him the same way. He is not a puppy. He is not a pet. He is so much bigger than that 12X12 stall. He is 55 million years of genetics. He is something we can never touch. He is freedom. He chooses me to lead but I will never "own" him.
I was talking to my sister Barbara about this tonight and telling her how this day had touched me. How Felix was so much more than I ever previously thought. She said "you saw the difference between choosing to follow verses submission".
This is a gift.
